So - you may have heard of the so-called “Heartbleed vulnerability” - essentially, it’s a security bug in open-source OpenSSL. Many sites that were thought to be secure were anything but - and while updates have fixed the problem, the exploit was wide open for quite a long time.
As a result, we recommend you take the following actions:
1. Change your passwords.
All of your passwords. Email, Facebook, banks, secret knocks to get into the neighborhood clubhouse, safe words you’ve worked out with your sexual partner for when things go a little “too far”, Twitter, etc. All of them may have been compromised.
2. Smash and burn your computer.
Unfortunately, the odds that your entire system has been corrupted is too great at this point. The only solution is to destroy the hardware and sever your connection to this technology. Some major shit is about to go down, and the suits were too late in catching it. We’re talking that Johnny Cage ‘Transcendence’ movie type shit here.
3. Scatter the ashes of your computer across the four corners of the earth.
Keep the cursed remains of your computer as far away from each other as possible. It’s only delaying the inevitable, but every second counts.
4. Go off the grid.
Leave your home, your family, your friends, your job, your entire life. Everything you were is but a faint memory. The only way to move forward is to shed your past. Make love to your significant other one last time - leave in the middle of the night as they sleep. It’s easier this way. No painful goodbyes - just an air of silence and regret.
5. Change your face.
It is not enough to leave behind the person you once were - you must change yourself physically as well. The Heartbleed got to you once, and it will claim you at last if you’re not vigilant. Why does it matter to you? You’re always on the move - no time for pausing to look into a mirror. Such luxuries could be afford in your old world - but that world is gone, along with your passwords.
6. Forget everything.
You can change all of the passwords in the world, change your identity, change everything - but none of that matters, so long as the lingering memories reside in your mind. They all still exist if you hold onto them. So let go. Let the weight of the old you wash over you like a high tide. And, from the depths, emerge anew. Shake off everything you once held so dear - all that is lost. There is hope yet for a new start. This time it will be different - you won’t be so casually dismissive of internet security protocols, you say to yourself.
But you will. This has all happened before, and it will all happen again…
7. Run a virus scan of your computer.
Oh yeah, do this too at some point. It probably won’t help, but at least you’ll feel a little better.